My favourite journal. Most emotionally intensive.
Guys, I feel really grown up. The question of “But when will I actually feel like an adult?” has been answered and the answer is Right Now because I just read through all my old journals circa 1995-1998.
If you were to piece together my life in those 3 years, you would assume all my time was spent swinging between being obsessively in love and intensely devastated by the absence of love. I really felt all the feelings (cough-stilldo-cough) and I thought it’d be fun to share some excerpts, accompanied by my basement-bedroom soundtrack a.k.a. the Greatest Playlist Ever.
Teenage Girl in the 90s by astokes on Grooveshark
Oh and this is all going to be poetry. Teenage poetry (!!!!)
“I’m not who I was, who you made me to be. I long since shed that skin, now I want to grow wings.” – Allison S. Be A Star.
I actually wrote this in quotations as if this was a lyric from a song. A song apparently called Be A Star.
It’s our sky and they’re our stars and if I were to die I’d try to get to yours and we’re dreaming of each other now I want you even more.
If you were to do a shot for every time the word “star” is mentioned in these journals, you would be drunk after the first 12 pages.
Don’t want to think of yesterday, tonight you told me, so I say – Forget you. Forget all about it. And fuck you. Want me? You can’t have it.
Growing up right before my/our eyes! I’m proudest of the ones like this. There’s another called I’m A Woman that I just can’t with…but still proud!
Blind to what the silence tells us, two sisters in a strangers world. We break what’s singing stories to us, we smash what’s turning day to night and atomic bombs and guns won’t hurt us. We’re winning war without a fight.
My friend Tiffany and I would drink Peach Schnapps, listen to Tori Amos and write poems together all.the.time. They typically involve us killing boys, being vampires/witches and being really hungry.
All it takes is a touch to make me start and a shove in the right direction. So suddenly, I’m there. Clinging to dreams where comfort’s so consuming. You didn’t even know you were up for selection.
This is underlined in my journal and I get why because this was my MO for falling in “love”: think a guy is pretty cool – start talking about him to friends – get encouraged by friends – drink two Max Ice beer and kiss him behind the Remax – fall madly insanely in love and think about nothing else but that person until it’s over – and Repeat. Teenage nutshell.
In conclusion, I think these journals might be the best books I’ve ever read. Including the Nine Inch Nails song lyrics written out, my High School resume (On swim team. Plays piano. Have Math tutor to bring up grade.) and a list of “Potentials” consisting of dudes I wanted to make my boyfriend. How was I ever so young?